Challenging Behavior Is Communication
When we are able to understand our children’s behavior, we are able to be more responsive and in tune as parents. Although challenging behavior may be inconvenient, frustrating, and hard to manage, children use behavior as their primary form of communication. Children communicate their feelings and needs through behavior long before they have developed appropriate words to express what they are feeling. Frequently, children with challenging behaviors exhibit behaviors as a bid for connection or to express an unmet need - and it is important to get down to the reason for a child’s behavior in order to provide appropriate skills to support it.
Children typically show challenging behaviors in 4 main categories-
Attention and Connection Seeking Behavior
Escape and Avoidance Behavior
Sensory Behavior
Tangible Gains Behavior
Attention and Connection Seeking Behavior: Children sometimes show challenging behaviors as an attempt to communicate that their needs for attention and connection are unmet, even if the attention they are getting is negative. It can be impactful for kids to hear, “that is not how you get my attention” and see modeling from you on how to seek connection in a more positive way.
Escape and Avoidance Behavior: Kids may have difficult behavior when they are attempting to avoid or escape something, like difficult homework pages or house chores. This may be an indicator that they are needing some additional support with the task at hand, or that they are needing some support learning and utilizing coping skills and resilience. Prompting children to calmly ask for help can help support a decrease in escape behavior.
Sensory Seeking Behavior: Some kids act out when they are experiencing a sensory need - either needing more sensory input to feel regulated, or feeling overwhelmed by the amount of sensory input. Some ways to support this are through proactive sensory replacement options, like offering a chewy necklace instead of chewing on objects, or offering noise cancelation headphones to avoid a behavioral outburst from overstimulation.
Tangible Gains Behavior: Children sometimes show challenging behaviors to obtain a tangible good, like a toy or snack. This is more commonly seen in younger children that have not yet developed appropriate impulse control. Support children showing behavior for tangible gains by modeling waiting calmly and patiently, or modeling the way you would prefer them to ask. This might sound like “Can you ask that as a question?” or “Oops! You can say, ‘apple please!’ instead.”
Difficult behavior is usually a child’s best attempt to communicate, and not a deliberate attempt to be difficult. This doesn’t mean the behavior is acceptable, but it does mean it makes sense. When we reframe behavior as communication, we support the development of sustainable coping and regulation skills. In doing so, we also become more confident, responsive, and connected parents.
