Building A Secure Attachment With Your Child
What is attachment?
John Bowlby, the creator of Attachment Theory, said “the aim that a child should grow up and become confidently independent is synonymous with the aim that they should grow up mentally healthy.” Children are programmed to form strong emotional bonds with caregivers early on, and the development of their attachment style can develop early childhood relationships into life long perceptions of connectedness and relationships.
What are the different types of attachment?
Secure Attachment
Children with secure attachment had their needs consistently filled by caregivers, both emotionally and physically. Children with secure attachment are self-assured, direct, and responsive. They are often happy and explorative. Children develop a secure attachment style when they trust and believe that their needs will be met by their grown up in a quick, responsive, and consistent manner.
Avoidant Attachment
Children with avoidant attachment might come off as emotionally distant or withdrawn, not explorative, self-reliant, and avoidant. These children subconsciously believe that their needs probably won’t be met, and that their caregiver is distant or disengaged.
Ambivalent Attachment
Children with ambivalent attachment are anxious, insecure, angry, and dysregulated. They experienced a lot of self-doubt patterns. They do not trust that their needs will be met, and their caregivers can come off as inconsistent - sometimes being responsive, and sometimes not.
Disorganized Attachment
Children with disorganized attachment come off as depressed, angry, passive, or all together non-responsive. They can be unpredictable, and can engage in patterns of self-isolation and self-sabotaging. Those with disorganized attachment are severely confused as to whether or not their needs will be met, and have no strategies to get them met. Caregivers of children with disorganized attachment are often erratic, completely passive, or intrusive.
Why is attachment important?
Attachment styles impact children in a variety of ways, including social skills, emotional regulation, self-esteem, cognitive growth, behavioral stability, relationship development skills, and conflict resolution skills. Secure attachment helps children manage their emotions effectively, fosters confidence, builds trust and empathy, improves relationships, enhances academic performance, and reduces the likelihood of challenging behaviors. Children with secure attachment will grow into adults who have good coping and problem solving skills, communicate effectively, are comfortable with intimacy, and regulate emotions, and are trusting, empathetic, and comfortable - both alone and in relationships.
How can you build a secure attachment with your child?
Creating a secure attachment style with your child involves being consistently responsive, emotionally available, attuned with their needs, and encouraging their independence. Consistently meeting your child’s needs builds trust, and supports your child in viewing you as a safe base. To support the development of a secure attachment with your child, here are some practical parenting tips -
Be emotionally available! Respond promptly and consistently to your child's needs, both emotionally and physically.
Encourage independence in your child! Practice being a secure base while allowing your child to explore.
Spend quality time together!
Practice active listening! Pay close attention to your child’s thoughts, feelings, and communication in a non-judgemental lens.
